


There's a Monster in Your Closet

by Winged_Fool



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 08:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19081720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool
Summary: Alex grows up believing he's unlovable





	There's a Monster in Your Closet

_ Alex wakes up from nightmares gasping for air. He dreams that he’s drowning, but it’s not the ocean that’s swallowing him. It’s the years of disappointing those that loved him when they realized he wasn’t worth loving. He wakes with the feeling of dirt still in his mouth. _

 

Jesse would tell all his sons that they were unlovable. He would justify hitting them because they were all disappointments, they couldn't live up to his expectations. Alex never believed it until his mother left. He used to hope she’d come back in the middle of the night and take them with her. As the days passed - the  _ months  _ \- and Jesse’s beatings didn’t abate, Alex starts to understand that she wasn’t coming back and it must have been because they  _ were  _ unlovable, not worth saving.

The fragile relationship the Manes brothers shared started to deteriorate after their mother left. It finally became the war zone Jesse always wanted, ruling them with fear and rewarding them for loyalty. Not one of them stood up for each other if one was on the receiving end of Jesse’s anger, they all hid in their rooms in fear that they would be next. If one of them broke a rule and another one found out, he’d immediately tell Jesse. Better to be a snitch than both of them with stitches. 

When Mrs. Manes left, Alex lost his mother and whatever relationship he’d ever have with his brothers. But he also lost his innocence - no one owed him their love and he wasn’t worth staying around for.

 

_ In elementary school, Alex’s friends were afraid of monsters hiding under their beds or in their closets. Alex would agree with them but the only monster he feared walked his home freely. _

 

Alex’s unit became his family and the desert his home. Missiles flew overhead as he’d frantically code in a tent as though their very lives depended on it (it did) and the rest of his unit stood outside guarding him as though they actually cared about Alex (they did).

The IED that wipes out most of his unit happens on a day like that. He thinks he’s nearly cracked the code when there’s screaming and before he can react, there’s a large crash and everything goes black. Alex shuffles in and out of consciousness as he bleeds into the sand. He hears someone groaning near him and he turns to see his best friend in the unit, Christine Washington, gasping for air. She’s bleeding out from her chest and is obviously in a great deal of pain. Alex tries to drag himself to her side when a searing pain from his right leg stops him. He looks down to see the lower leg is covered in missile debris and bleeding profusely. He knows then that it’s a goner, but that doesn't matter now. He uses all the willpower he possesses and drags himself to Washington’s side.

“Manes,” she chokes out and grabs at his lapel, “don’t let me die out here.”

“You won’t, Washington. You’re going to make it,” Alex promises as he cradles her head in his lap, slumped against what’s left of their tent.

She smiles serenely, “You always were a good liar, Manes.” Thirty minutes later, she dies in his arms. The combat medics arrive ten minutes after.

 

_ When Alex finds out about Michael’s healed hand, he laughs and laughs and laughs. He takes shot after shot to dull the pain and reminder that it’s easy for everyone to move on without him. _

 

In high school, Jesse makes it clear to Alex if he was unlovable before, then he was even worse now that he knew Alex was gay. With each hit, he promises Alex that no one would ever want someone as defective as him. Kyle had dropped Alex when he also caught wind of Alex’s sexual orientation so he thinks there must be some truth in his father’s words.

If his father was going to leave him riddled with black bruises, then Alex would wear it like an armor. The first time he puts eyeliner on and paints his nails, he feels like he’s reclaiming some part of himself. Even with his father’s words ringing his head that no one would ever save him, he finds solace and peace in Michael Guerin’s arms. Michael has his own problems but he never turns it into a competition with Alex on who has it worse and they settle into an easy friendship and Alex begins to hope.

When Jesse finds them together and breaks Michael’s hand, Alex is shaking and sobbing as he carefully wraps Michael’s bleeding hand in the tatters of his UFO Emporium shirt, “I’m so sorry, Guerin,” Alex keeps crying and Michael says nothing. When he finishes, Alex lifts Michael’s wrapped hand to his lips and gently kisses his palm.

“I have to go,” Michael says suddenly and frantically starts gathering his things from the tool-shed, “I have to go. I have to go.” Years later, Michael will leave Alex the same way, promising they’ll talk tomorrow.

But today, Alex stays sitting on the ground as he watches Michael leave, knowing he will never be back to their shared sanctuary.

He finally returns to his house and Jesse nearly beats him to death. He stays in bed out of school for weeks while his ribs heal. He texts Michael daily with apologies and pleas for them to run away together. He never gets a response.

Jesse brings a recruiter to see Alex while he’s trapped in his room and he signs away his freedom under Jesse’s watchful eye. He returns to school and Michael avoids him like the plague and Alex’s fractured heart splinters further. After graduation, he boards the plane to San Antonio, weeping. He had allowed himself to love Michael and they’d both been punished for it. Like every moment before this, Alex doesn’t think it would be possible for him to be any more unlovable, but he thinks maybe he should stop challenging fate.

 

_ As Alex gets older, he realizes that the stories lied about where monsters liked to hide. Sometimes they hid in mirrors, reflecting the very worst parts of you. _

 

Alex thought he’d grow up to be a teetotaler. The stink of alcohol still reminds him of Jesse but it also stills his racing thoughts. He can be carefree and happy when he’s drinking. But, after Guerin stands him up in the junkyard, and after Alex has gone to the Wild Pony because no one is answering their phone, and after he finds Michael and Maria cozying up together, Alex drinks to obliterate himself. He refuses to stay away from the Wild Pony, if either have a problem seeing him fall apart, then that’s on them. Kyle will occasionally join him but he usually drinks alone.

Kyle is worried and tries to stop Alex from getting too hammered. One night, when Michael and Maria are laughing together as they play pool, Alex orders a round of shots and takes both of them for himself. “Come on, Alex.” Kyle tries to soothe, “Michael isn’t worth this.”

“Maybe this isn’t about Michael Guerin,” Alex slurs back and takes another swig from his beer, “Maybe this is about Alex Manes and how I’ve never been loved.”

“Oh, Alex, that isn’t true,” Kyle says and he looks devastated.

“Sure it is,” Alex laughs a little too loudly, a little too desperately, “Who’s loved me? My father who beat me for as long as I can remember? My mother who left us alone with him? My brothers who would rather save their own skin than defend each other? You who started bullying me for being different? Guerin who claimed our love was cosmic and he never looked away but left me for my best friend the minute I was ready to settle down? Who, Kyle? Because I can keep going,” Alex nods toward Maria, “Do you think she loves me? She asks me to be happy for her so she doesn’t have to feel guilty. And everyone acts like somehow I’m in the wrong for being hurt that they’re moving on together.”

“Alex…” Kyle starts and moves to hug him but he is violently rebuffed.

“Oh fuck off Valenti. I spend enough time dealing with Maria’s guilty conscious, I don’t have time for yours, too.” Alex frowns and orders another shot.

 

_ When Alex found Michael was an alien he felt hope. Perhaps that was the reason Michael had loved him. He was only unlovable to humans. When Michael chooses Maria over him, he realizes he was a fool to think any humanoid species could love him. _

 

After Alex finds out about Michael and Maria, but before he starts wasting away, everyone comes out to the cabin to make the case to him. Liz is first, telling him that she was the one to encourage Maria to explore her feelings with Michael (because of course she did, God forbid anyone is on Alex’s side). He listens to her go on about how they complement each other and that them finding happiness together isn’t a personal attack on him. He sits there with a beer in hand, nodding, picking at the label, but not really responding.

Michael is next, he at least apologizes for making Alex wait and worry about him. But then he’s going on about how being with Alex just hurts too much, that seeing him reminds him of all the bad memories. Alex nods, somehow doesn’t cry (although after years of being told it was impossible to love Alex, it’s getting easier to be numb to these sorts of declarations), and finishes two beers in Michael’s company.

A few weeks after Michael’s visit, Maria comes by. She wants him to know that she’s not with Michael to hurt Alex, but because he makes her happy. “Aren’t I allowed to be happy, Alex?” she pleads. He’s on his third beer when she asks. “Of course you are. But you had ten years to be happy together, why did you have to wait till I came back?” he asks miserably.

He figures that would be the end of the visits, but nothing ever goes his way, of course. Isobel also shows up and tells him off about how selfish he is. He strung Michael along for ten years always leaving him behind hurting and miserable, and when he finally tries to move on, Alex can’t handle it. Alex gives her one of the beers from the sixer he was planning to finish on his own because if there’s one thing he can relate to, it’s hating Alex Manes.

 

_ Alex decides to adopt a dog as he’s falling apart. If humans (and aliens) couldn’t love him, maybe he could force a dog to. Zia is a very good girl, she lets Alex cry into her fur and is always happy to see him. She makes him think that maybe he’s not as much of a monster as he thought (because can’t dogs tell?) _

 

Michael used to recite poetry in bed when they were cuddling. When Alex came home for his first leave, Michael cries and hugs Alex tightly, apologizing for letting him go and Alex starts to hope again. They would go out to the desert together and after they had found their release with each other, Michael would tell Alex the Greek and Roman myths of the stars.

He would hug Alex keeping him safe in his arms and whisper into his ear, pleading Alex not to leave again. And Alex was always tempted to stay but he remembers the way Michael had left him and he just couldn’t stomach that pain again. Surely it was better to be the one to leave than the one being left behind?

When Alex is in the Middle East, he repeats the myths to Christine who laughs at him for being a romantic. They do their patrols in the desert sea and at night, Alex looks up at the stars and thinks of Michael. Someday, he’ll be ready to be who Michael needs, but he needs to win his own battles first.

 

_ As a child, Alex used to cry, wondering why no one would save him from his own personal monster. Teachers looked the other way when he came in with his injuries. As he got older, he got good at lying, but the tears stayed. _

 

Six months pass and Michael and Maria are still together and Alex is still drifting untethered. He wakes one morning on the floor of his living room and his leg is in agony. He realizes he must have drunkenly fallen asleep and twisted his leg with the prosthetic still on. He starts to cry and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. Zia trots over to him and lays her head on his legs. “I can’t keep living like this,” Alex tells her and she wags her tail in agreement.

Alex calls Kyle who turns out to be the best friend Alex ever had. He helps Alex pack up all his things, looks for a place to live out in DC, and helps him find a therapist all while Alex figures out the contracting work at Andrews. Within a month, he’s left Roswell and is settling in to his new life in DC (it’s as far as he can get away from his ghosts, but it’s still too close).

Once a week, he sees a therapist, once a month he attends AA meetings, and every three months he checks in with a psychiatrist. His therapist helps him work through his self-hatred and tells him the hardest part will be to learn not to measure his self-worth by how other people love him. They work through his abandonment issues and Alex starts to casually date. He feels the happiest he’s ever been.

Maybe he’s unlovable, but he’s starting to realize maybe everyone else is the problem because he’s learning Alex Manes is a pretty cool guy.

 

_ His heart thaws, the nightmares fade away. He dreams he’s back in the desert but he’s no longer drowning in the sands. Instead, he’s next to someone who loves him and he wakes with Michael’s name on his lips. _

 

Alex calls Michael a year later to tell him about all the progress he’s made and how happy he finally is. He apologizes for repeatedly leaving especially when he knew how much it hurts to be left and for falling apart instead of being happy for his two friends. Michael is quiet for a long moment before finally saying he’ll accept the first part of his apology but tells Alex he was allowed to be angry with them. Alex laughs, “Oh, I’m mad, but Kyle told me you two broke up shortly after I left. No need to rub salt in the wound.”

They spend hours catching up, it’s the most they’ve ever talked (and all their problems really stemmed from a lack of communication) and Alex allows himself to hope again. When they’re about to hang up, Michael says quietly, “I’ve missed you, Alex. Please don’t disappear on me again.”

Alex smiles, “I still have a lot of work to do on myself, Guerin. But one day, I’ll be whole and I’ll come for you,” he promises.

Michael huffs out a laugh, “I’m going to work to make sure I deserve you.”

“We need to do it apart. We only end up fighting, fucking, then hurting each other. I want us to work out. I want that cosmic love. I want to love you and for you to love me.” Alex confesses, clutching the phone tightly and anxiously petting Zia.

“I want that too, Alex.” Michael breathes.

They keep in touch, calling once a week to talk about inane things. To talk about the hard work they’re undertaking and how it will all be worth it. Sometimes it gets a little too heated and Alex needs to take a cold shower. He aches for Michael, but his therapist reminds him that he can’t depend on another person for his happiness, it needs to come from within.

Two years later, Alex packs up all his things and returns to Roswell. He finds Michael at the Wild Pony and kisses him, “I’m ready for you, Michael.” he breathes against his lips.

Michael smiles widely, eyes fond, “It’s about time.”

 

_ They say there’s a monster hiding in your closet, but Alex has slain many monsters and they don’t scare him anymore. Michael holds him in his arms and reminds Alex that he’s loved and Michael’s not going anywhere, and for the first time in his life Alex believes he is lovable. _

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time experimenting with this style of writing


End file.
